i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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