Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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