There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
