seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
