Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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