I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize