i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I've blown a few things in my day
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
