if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
