i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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