Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize