Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
