he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
