OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
