had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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