he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
