the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
