Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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