He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I just pynch a tree in the face
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
