the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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