Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
