I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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