just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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