Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize