Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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