How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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