nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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