he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
