You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
