Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
