man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
