My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
