I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
