Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
