oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
