so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
