Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
