he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize