I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
