I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
