I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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