Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize