I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
