Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
