you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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