Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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