i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize