you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
