Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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