she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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