Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
