My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
