I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
