First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
