A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
