i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
