Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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