It's never too late to be topless.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
