Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
