Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
