were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
