Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize