just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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